Certain I'm Uncertain

I have always been certain that I want to work in the arts, find romance, live by the water and build a life filled with love, and adventure.  

I have never been certain about having children.

The addition of a puppy to our family a year and a half ago (who is now one of the great loves of my life) brought the first time I ever felt the total utter dependency of another living-being.

Examining the impact she’s had on my marriage, career, friendships, and interests, has me asking myself about an exponentially larger commitment.

Do I want a child?

I think my answer may be no, which is not the societal expectation of my gender. Many tie failure to it and other pressures creep in: like if I don’t have a child I better do very well at my career. It’s illogical and why it applies to me and not my husband nonsensical but I need to acknowledge odd beliefs such as this one if I am to come to the truth of what I want. The cultural ether weighs me down with the feeling that if I choose to remain without child I will have deep regrets. Yet, despite all this, I still find myself leaning towards a childfree life.

Childfree but not without children. Should I decide not to carry on my own bloodline, or adopt, I will still have little ones in my life. I am a very active aunt to several children for whom there’s little to nothing I wouldn’t do and my family extends well beyond blood ties, even beyond species. I consider my fur-kids just that, my kids. My friends are my family and some of my blood family are my friends.

I am uncertain. Until I am, I will allow myself to feel fulfilled despite culture telling me otherwise. I will push back on the belief that I ought to ‘have it all’ and be clear on it all, right this very moment.

I’ll hang out in the discomfort of not knowing 100% one way or the other, while leaning slightly toward the less popular path. As an artist this is nothing new, I am well equipped to do so.

I trust myself and what I am certain about; which in this case just happens to be my uncertainty.

- J

*J, These feelings can be difficult to share. I'm so proud of you for allowing the space and time to come to your own, thoughtful, conclusions. As someone who also struggles with this very uncertainty, I feel incredibly blessed to know someone as forthright and thoughtful as you to be on this journey with. - M